Sebastian.

Hey. It's been a while hasn't it? Let's just cut the crap of me trying to apologise for not posting for what, years? I'm not really sorry so whatever right?

I'm currently STILL cooped up in my room. Since yesterday night. Still attempting to finish my work even though I clearly don't have any motivation to do so. But, I got to get my shit together somehow right? I don't even know why I'm doing a blog post right in the middle of me doing work when I clearly NEED and MUST practice for my goddamn presentation tomorrow. I guess I really needed something to vent out my emotions and feelings, without having anyone to make comments about it. So - I'm back here.

A lot of things have happened in ever since I entered poly man. I never thought I'd be in this state right now when I first entered. I'm almost ending Year 1 in a few weeks? But that means I'm piled up with loads and loads of CAs to do but, everybody is anyways. 

I ain't special.

My point of this post is just to relate how I'm feeling right now I guess.

 How am I feeling? 

I honestly, genuinely, truthfully do not know. 

I haven't felt so lost and confused in my entire life before.

Part of me wants to just lay in bed and not do anything but the other part of me tells me -

"Get up and do work. There's no point trying to wallow in your sadness and tears. Get shit done."

I'm kind of torn. I'm not physically okay. 

I MEAN I HAVEN'T GONE TO THE GYM IN AGES. (shut up hot body happy ad)

I'm not mentally okay.

These CAs are killing me. But I don't have the right to complain about it because everybody, EVERYBODY is going through the same damn thing. 

Lastly, I'm definitely not  emotionally okay.

I honestly don't know why I'm putting in so much effort for you, 

but I guess that's my weakness.

I really like you a lot and I'd do anything just to be part of your life 

- even if it kills me little by little.

I don't know why I'm allowing myself torture myself so much,

but I guess I just can't allow you to feel alone.

I know how much you're suffering, and I want to be the one that makes sure you're okay 

- even if it hurts me to see you like this.

I don't know why, don't know why I'm doing this to myself,

but I guess I want to stay long enough for you to realise that you actually really need me

- even if sometime's I'm on the verge of giving up.

I swear people would think I'm really dumb and stupid.

And they're right. I probably am.

But, I just want to to prove to you, that not everybody leaves. 

I want to be someone, no - THE one that you'll keep running back to.

I know I'm worth it. 

I deserve good things too.

I really hope something good would happen if I put in enough time and effort.

This is the phase where things are hard but it'll only get better after this.

Right?

Though there were countless times I felt like just leaving, 

I won't. 

I like you very much, Sebastian.

But, sometimes, I wonder if I love you.