Sebastian.

Hey. It's been a while hasn't it? Let's just cut the crap of me trying to apologise for not posting for what, years? I'm not really sorry so whatever right?

I'm currently STILL cooped up in my room. Since yesterday night. Still attempting to finish my work even though I clearly don't have any motivation to do so. But, I got to get my shit together somehow right? I don't even know why I'm doing a blog post right in the middle of me doing work when I clearly NEED and MUST practice for my goddamn presentation tomorrow. I guess I really needed something to vent out my emotions and feelings, without having anyone to make comments about it. So - I'm back here.

A lot of things have happened in ever since I entered poly man. I never thought I'd be in this state right now when I first entered. I'm almost ending Year 1 in a few weeks? But that means I'm piled up with loads and loads of CAs to do but, everybody is anyways. 

I ain't special.

My point of this post is just to relate how I'm feeling right now I guess.

 How am I feeling? 

I honestly, genuinely, truthfully do not know. 

I haven't felt so lost and confused in my entire life before.

Part of me wants to just lay in bed and not do anything but the other part of me tells me -

"Get up and do work. There's no point trying to wallow in your sadness and tears. Get shit done."

I'm kind of torn. I'm not physically okay. 

I MEAN I HAVEN'T GONE TO THE GYM IN AGES. (shut up hot body happy ad)

I'm not mentally okay.

These CAs are killing me. But I don't have the right to complain about it because everybody, EVERYBODY is going through the same damn thing. 

Lastly, I'm definitely not  emotionally okay.

I honestly don't know why I'm putting in so much effort for you, 

but I guess that's my weakness.

I really like you a lot and I'd do anything just to be part of your life 

- even if it kills me little by little.

I don't know why I'm allowing myself torture myself so much,

but I guess I just can't allow you to feel alone.

I know how much you're suffering, and I want to be the one that makes sure you're okay 

- even if it hurts me to see you like this.

I don't know why, don't know why I'm doing this to myself,

but I guess I want to stay long enough for you to realise that you actually really need me

- even if sometime's I'm on the verge of giving up.

I swear people would think I'm really dumb and stupid.

And they're right. I probably am.

But, I just want to to prove to you, that not everybody leaves. 

I want to be someone, no - THE one that you'll keep running back to.

I know I'm worth it. 

I deserve good things too.

I really hope something good would happen if I put in enough time and effort.

This is the phase where things are hard but it'll only get better after this.

Right?

Though there were countless times I felt like just leaving, 

I won't. 

I like you very much, Sebastian.

But, sometimes, I wonder if I love you.

Heartbreak Humor

Greetings, fellow reader, I have come back to entertain thee with such stories.

Okay, enough with my bullshit, I'm ready to start.

I'm sharing my feelings here (blog duh), just because I needed to write it out. And if you can relate, I've done my job of making you feel.

Today, I was hilarious.

Today, I made jokes as quick as lightning. Anything to make people laugh.

Today, I was escaping.

I wanted to escape from the reality I was facing because, that's all I knew to do.

Today, the people around me laughed. So did I.

But.

Today, I was dying inside.

There are times, where we just want to escape... right?

Times where, we just wanted to be free.

Days where, everything should be okay. Even for that one, tiny moment.

All of us have done it... right?

Pretending to be okay, when we're clearly not.

I understand, in some situations, you're just not comfortable to mention or even think about the issue.

We're not selfish, no we're definitely not.

We just wanted to be strong, by ourselves.

Sooner or later, we've all got to learn.

I honestly, am so confused.

But, I try so hard to understand. 

All in all, nothing really works does it?

It hurts to see, it hurts to think, it hurts to say.

Haven't we all been there?

People say, "Everything's gonna be okay, alright?"

What if it doesn't?

What are YOU supposed to respond with.

There's no harm in reassuring others, but really, its your story and more or less, 

you'll follow your own decisions.

I suck at expressing my emotions, honestly.

But, I feel, too much. Too much.

All I want to do is cry and cry and cry.

Damnit Adrianne. Please get yourself together.

You know you're stronger than this.

But sometimes, you've been too strong, until one day, you just break down.

I did everything I can, but I feel like I'm always the one to blame.

I blame me. Always.

Doesn't have to be you. Its always me. 

It always makes it easier for the other person. 

I understand my post is too "feely" and probably "over-reactive"

But no. This is one thing I will not apologize for.

I will feel, what i feel.

I deserve to be happy.

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Before any conclusions or assumptions are made,

nothing is certain yet.

These are feelings, not facts.

Too stressed to be blessed

So.... what do we have here?

I'm back guys! Did anyone miss me? 

Okay, I apologise for that.

(not really)

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I'm updating after 6 months man, well because I'm really lazy and this year 

I'll be having my National Exams, so not really much of a choice, right?

(actually even if my exams are over, I guarantee, that I probably won't update heh)

So let's get started with the topic shall we?

ONWARD.

As I have clearly mentioned in the previous paragraph, I will be having my National Exams in about 2.5 months. 

And being the Adrianne that I am, I don't really feel the scared.

And no, I'm not being cocky that I'm "confident" in scoring well,

but I honestly don't feel the stress yet.

Yes, I'm clearly aware that it contradicts my main point, 

but hey hear me out first ok?

Cause the "inexistent stress" I'm feeling, isn't the main point.

Currently, I'm working on my "coursework" for my Art, (yes I'm an art student, its not that shocking)

and I'm in my last lap.

You might think, "Oh, I guess that's fast?"

Well, not really.

There are only three of us in class, and oh my goodness, we're slow.

We were actually supposed to start our painting aka our last lap, at least a month ago.

and AN EXTRA MONTH is SO important.

Well, no turning back now I guess?

We'd just have to make use of the remaining time to make up for it.

Means, we have to work F A S T.

And having another preliminary exam in the middle of August clearly is no help

due to the fact that I'm only given 2-3 weeks and after my exams, 1-2 weeks to complete my painting.

God, help me.

Actually, I didn't feel stressed before typing this. 

Right now.. I'M FREAKING OUT.

Okay, not externally, but freaking out inside.

Its like the concept of "LOL", but you're not actually laughing.

LOL.

Well, this "coursework" thing, its not just me, majority my classmates are going through hell of rushing it in time for our specific dateline.

And I'm so glad, my dateline is not so soon, as compared to theirs.

(guys if you're reading this, YOU CAN DO IT)

As you can see, this "stress" I'm experiencing for this coursework SUCKS.

Therefore, "too stressed, to be blessed"

On a side note, Singapore's birthday is coming soon!!!!!

To the beautiful country, I'm proud that you're my homeland <3

I've actually lived in Singapore longer than I have in the Philippines so,

Happy advanced 50th birthday to the gorgeous lion city. 

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With that said, I end of my post!

Thanks for reading you beautiful human ;)

I'll be back soon!

( no promises really hehe)

Introverted? Or Nah?

Hi and welcome to a new post 4 months after the most ( well not really ) recent one.

I'm sick right now and this stupid cough has been bothering me for the past few days and guess what I still choose to do? 
B L OOOOOOOOO G. 

Shall we begin?

Weeeeelllllllll, main reason why I'm so called "blogging" right now is because, 

I am totally bored out of my head.

I got sick at the start of Chinese New Year, yeah, it sucks.

BUT

I am here to talk about some stuffs.

(stuffs does not sound like a real word).

OK, so, I consider myself an introvert.

I need my alone time from now then to so call "re-charge" for me to have some WILD times.

I love my alone times, but if you're an introvert, 

do you ever feel lonelier when you have unintentional needs to be alone?

Well duh, adrianne.

Well, what I mean is,

when you WANT your alone time, you feel completely fine.

But, when you THINK you WANT your alone time, and go off somewhere else,

do you feel lonely?

I do..

It kind of sucks to just be laying in your own bed, waiting for some social interaction

but it never happens, does it?

Before anyone says anything else, 

YES I KNOW 

That sometimes it's I that needs to start conversations.

But, yeah. 

Other times, you just want other people to think of you first and actually strike up a conversation with you, ya know?

Kinda makes you feel significant, even for that short moment.

So, I guess, what I'm saying is, 

I have just been feeling lonely the past few days.

And coughing my lungs out did not help my mood. NOT ONE BIT. 

Well obviously.

But, the days have passed and I can't really do anything about it now, can I?

There'll always be a better tomorrow

( well cause i can actually socialize with people )

I just wanted to voice this out somewhere, not specifically someone though.

So I came back to this blog.

I guess if you feel the same way as I do, brofist yo.

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Wellllll, short blog entry, but whatevaaaaar right?

I'll try, TRY, to blog sooon again. 

x

Rewinding time

Yes, I'm back with another blog post that didn't take 7 months to post this. HAH.

Okay, on to the topic - rewinding time.

I got this so called "inspiration" and sudden "motivation" to do this topic

(for those who know me, I'm R E A L lazy so this is a M I R A C L E)

Why? Because I wanted to go back to the past when I was a child.

For what reason exactly? I wanted to show more love and appreciation towards my parents.

I'm not particularly close with my parents, but hey, we do get along!

But, right now, as of being 16 years of age, 

I felt that I haven't given much thanks to them, despite the hard work they have put in for so many years and provide me with food, shelter and love.

Why now you ask?

I saw this video on Buzzfeed, 

where children would draw a picture to show their appreciation towards a specific person.

Most of them chose their parents.

And the way they expressed their gratitude towards them was just, heartwarming.

I felt happy and touched that these people have such a strong connection between them.

But, at the same time, I felt sad and regretful that I don't do these type of things with them.

I regret not mentioning how much I love them in the past and my never changing love for them now.

This is why, I want to rewind time.

I want to let my mom know I love her so much, even though we were miles apart then.

I would want to tell my dad I love him so much after a long day of work, 

at least I'd brighten his day up.

I would tell my grandmother I love her so much, for caring for us, loving us,

and being our mom and dad whenever they're both busy.

I was such a shy kid back then. 

I didn't know how to open up to people, even my parents.

But, the past is the past isn't it?

I can't rewind time,

But that doesn't mean that my appreciation towards them will stop.

I'll just make it more obvious now, right? 

I admire those kids so much.

Learning how to love and appreciate from them, 

just changed my mindset.

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On a side note (completely unrelated to the topic hehe)

EXAMINATIONS ARE FINALLY OVER.

Don't you ever get the feeling that it doesn't feel like its over?

Because I am.

BUT ITS OKAY.

TIME TO PARTY.

Kbyeguys

x

Am I really that kind of person?

Am I very unsociable?  Am I unfriendly? Am I unapproachable?

Am I really that kind of person?

It's 12:23am, and here I am lying on my bed awake when I should be sleeping .

Thought after thought after thought  occupies my mind.

I've come to realise that,little by little, I'm beginning to see what my personality is like. 

More specifically, how  I actually act towards people. 

And  it ain't gon' be pretty.

Shall we begin? 

I've just recently realised how unapproachable I may seem.

Usually I feel that I'm actually a  friendly  person.

But I guess not.

When I'm alone, I'm scared of people. 

But, when I'm in a group, I'd act crazy as much as I want to be.

Let's say, for example, I'm with a group of friends,  and another close friends walk  by us,

we' d bombard that friend with a hell lot of greetings. 

However, if I'm alone, and I see that friend,

my face is automatically glued to my phone screen.

Don't get me wrong, no no. 

I don't hate that friend ( or anyone in particular, never  really found a reason to hate people)

but, I kind of fear communication with others, especially with small talk.

I can never seem to continue a conversation properly.

Not because I don't want to, but I just can't.

I do not know how, honestly,

So back to the point,  I feel like I'm a very unfriendly person now.

Many people love to say " I'm friendly! I won't bite! " ( yes, very cliché, I know)

But that sentence right there? 

Yeah,  it doesn't apply to me,

Because I do not think I'm that friendly,

I kind of only have a few super close friends and  its either I'm always with them, or alone.

There is no in between,

To the people who are very sociable and  so fun to be with,

yeah, I envy you people.

I can never get myself to be so, 

positive, outgoing  and lively.

Most of the time I look cold because I may, MAY, act cold.

I kind of am used to being alone. 

No big deal.

I get if if you want to be with other people'

cause I'll probably bore you with my  conversation killer  personality.

No big deal.

But what IS a big deal, is  that, I've never felt so negative  in my life.

Is this how I'm going to be for the rest of my life? 

Am  I  gonna keep being an unsociable conversation killer? 

Am I goin to beury myself in my own hole again? 

I don't want to go back there anymore.

I guess, 

it just happens, huh?

Well, what I do know is, 

I'm just going through a phase. Its'll end soon, Adrianne.

You can continue living your life.

I'm sorry for not posting for like 7 months!
I've been busy! ( actually, I've just been lazy HAH )
I kind of wanted to say this  issue, but I don't want to say it to someone,
Feels very attention seeking.
So I guess, I resorted to this.
If doesn't make any sense, its okay,
my brain was always messed up hah.
x

To a certain extent

Everybody has limitations. 

Some may have smaller limitations than other, but the thing is, 

EVERY BODY HAS THEM.

Recently, I've been almost pushed past my own limitations.

Every single time, I'm getting insulted

and being the extremely sensitive person I am,

I can't always pretend that I'm okay.

People has feelings too 

some can hold back their emotions stronger, 

some people ( like me )

CAN'T.

Don't push people if you know they can't handle it.

Joking is fine, teasing is fine

just don't push too much.

You will never know, that girl who doesn't talk much,

then constantly gets teased,

could explode sooner or later. Not literally though.

Sometimes, people don't understand you, and they just assume what you're thinking.

That's the thing I hate the most.

Stop acting like you know me and assume my thoughts like how you see me.

My personality is me.

My attitude towards you, is another story.

I've been irritated easily and always fighting with myself.

Well, for this week actually.

I've cried three times at night in this week, explaining why this is the worst week I had, 

in my whole entire life.

I don't cry very often, but it seems off this week.

Why? Because of my limitations.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I've just been constantly fighting with my ownself,

knowing that I would hurt myself, even though I do not want to.

That's my weakness.

My limitations has its own certain extent. 

So does yours.

I can't say I've learned to be stronger, just cause of a few tears,

but I can say that, my mindset was wrong.

Without people, constantly reminding me of what was wrong and right,

I wouldn't know what to do.

Aaaaand of course, I cried again, since I felt so special to them.

Thank you so much, I love you guys.

Know other people's limitations, also, YOURSELF.

There's always a certain extent where they will explode, and that's one thing you don't ever

EVER, want to see.

Try not to hurt yourself as well. 

I said try, because I know its not easy to do it instantly. 

Baby steps, baby steps.

Know yourself well.

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Happy March 2nd to everybody x 

I haven't been updating much, well because of this emotions I was feeling.

Well, stay fabulous x